The Bumbling Fool Exchange Programme
by Gemini Artemis
Summary: One can't be a supervillain without being patient, but sometimes even our dear friends get enough and want a change. Multicrossover. [on hold]
1. The Participants

**Author's note:** Talk about hypocrisy... I was never a fan of crossovers, especially those that involve more than two fandoms, and here I am now, posting this fic. Oh, well. I still feel pretty unsure about it, but I couldn't help it. Sorry! (You still have time to click on the back button, though.)

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but original characters.

* * *

– **CHAPTER 1 –  
**_**The Participants**_

A handsome blond was alone in his dressing room, marvelling at his own reflection in the mirror. Despite his gorgeous appearance, he didn't have any fangirls, while so many other people did, even though they did _not_ deserve it. Oh, but that was about to change, yes, it was. This new programme would attract many rabid fangirls from different worlds and they would finally discover his glorious existence. He was positive they would fall in love with him at first sight.

He grinned at the thought, revealing his shiny teeth, his sky-blue eyes twinkling.

_Boy, am I charming._

Suddenly, the door of his dressing room burst open.

"Gary Stu!" shouted a voice behind him.

He turned around to see his beautiful cousin, Mary Sue. She, too, had blond hair, though her eyes were oddly magenta. He always thought that was kind of bizarre, although she frequently told him that colour just made her prettier and she felt special. She was very fond of her eyes and even insisted on having everyone refer to them as "orbs". Why that was, Gary had no idea, but he never bothered to argue. Just let her have her way.

"Hurry up, we have a show to host!" she said impatiently before leaving, forgetting to close the door.

He hurried after her. In truth, he wasn't the only one looking forward to hosting this new show; his cousin had been desperately looking for a lover, and she seemed to have a thing for evil, magical men, which was the only reason why she had agreed to help him with this whole scheme. Again, Gary would not bother to argue. He would get loads of fangirls and she would get her evil wizards. Everyone would win in the end.

As he approached the stage, he could already hear the fanatical, high-pitched screams from the audience. He held his microphone tightly in anticipation and waited until he was told it was time for him to start. Then, he and Mary smiled and walked into the stage.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! I'm your host, Gary Stu!"

"And I'm your hostess, Mary Sue!" His cousin winked and glanced eagerly at the men sitting behind her.

"Welcome to the Bumbling Fool Exchange Programme!" they said in unison.

"Because behind every Evil Dark Wizard, there is a Bumbling Fool!" he added.

"KYAHHHH! RAISTLIN!" shouted some hysterical girls. "MARRY ME, MAGUS!"

Raistlin? Magus? Who the heck were those two? Why weren't the fangirls drooling over _him_ instead, Stu wondered jealously. He glanced in annoyance at the fourteen men behind him. Whoever those two were, they would _pay_.

He approached the first man in the line of chairs. He was dressed in black robes and had a hood on his head so that he couldn't see his face. In his hand, he held a long wooden staff with a dragon claw clutching a crystal orb on its top. He had it leaned on his shoulder and seemed very protective of it. Next to him, a brawny man with wavy, brown hair was smiling and waving at the fangirls.

"Well, let's meet the first participant," Gary announced, hoping to get the black-robed man's attention. Indeed, he took off his hood and looked up at the host, causing the latter to gasp in surprise. The man had the strangest appearance he had ever seen: golden skin, white hair (despite his young features), golden eyes and pupils shaped as hourglasses! "Uh..." He frowned when this man looked rather amused to see his shocked expression.

In the audience, the fangirls screamed, if possible, even louder and some even fainted. Before Gary Stu could think of something to say, Mary Sue pushed him to the side and leaned close to the golden man, her eyes twinkling in excitement.

"What is your name, sir?"

"Raistlin Majere," he whispered. Gary Stu narrowed his eyes. So _this_ was Raistlin? How could those girls prefer him to Stu? The blond host was so hot, and this Raistlin was so... creepy!

He cleared his throat and shoved his drooling cousin away. "Mary, this is _my_ job!" he hissed to her, then spoke to Raistlin as neutrally as possible, "So, uh, this is your Bumbling Fool?" he asked, glancing at the brown-haired young man beside the mage.

"Obviously," replied Raistlin sarcastically.

"I'm his twin brother, actually," said the warrior next to him, smiling friendly. "My name is Caramon Majere."

Gary Stu's eyes widened. "You're twins! No way, you look so different from each other!" In fact, he hadn't even thought Raistlin was human.

"Well," said Mary Sue, "if you narrow your eyes, tilt your head like this, look from a certain angle, and cough, you can kind of see some remote resemblance."

"Oh, come on, even now we're not that different, are we? You are just exaggerating," protested Caramon. The two hosts glanced at each other and shrugged.

"Er, anyway, Raistlin, what is your goal and why did you decide to change your Bumbling Fool?" Sue asked him.

Raistlin coughed slightly and whispered, "I plan to fight the Dark Queen, Takhisis, and become a god. As for the second question, I thought I could get someone who would be a little brighter and not constantly worry about me. It would also be nice if they had some knowledge of magic. That's all."

Stu nodded. "Very well. On to the next participant, then." He gulped as he saw the next wizard. He looked even weirder than Raistlin. This one was a sickly pale, skinny old man, also with white hair and each eye had a different colour. He had a strange tattoo on his forehead and his nails were long and yellowish. "Your name is...?"

"Daolon Wong. I need someone who is skilled both in magic and martial arts, so that I can defeat the Chans and spread dark chi all over the world!"

"Oh," said Mary Sue, nodding slowly. "That's nice. And who have you brought with you?"

"Hi! I'm Ratso," said the man next to Daolon Wong cheerfully. He, too, had a rather peculiar appearance; his skin was slightly greenish and his eyes were red.

"Nice to meet you, Ratso," replied Sue, smiling back.

Gary Stu shivered when seeing the next wizard. This one was just as weird; red eyes, white skin... And what had happened to his nose? He actually reminded Stu of a snake somehow. In the audience, some girls shouted "Voldy!" _What the hell_, thought Gary.

"I am Lord Voldemort. This is Peter Pettigrew, also known as Wormtail." He pointed a slender finger at the little man beside him, who flinched and glanced nervously at the audience. He sort of looked like a rat, Gary noted. "I came here only because I seek someone who isn't disgusted by me and my pet snake. I mean, it was amusing at the beginning, but now it's just getting on my nerves!"

"You have a pet snake?" Sue asked him, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, so?" hissed Voldemort, glaring menacingly at her.

"Er, nothing," she briskly replied.

"Right, and the next participant is..." Gary Stu almost choked when seeing the fourth wizard. He managed to be even worse than the previous three. He was about as tall as a five-year-old child, had beige-coloured skin, big eyes and a wrinkled face which made it evident he was not human. Curiously, he was the only wizard so far who wasn't wearing black, but white robes.

"Babidi," the creature said, and then pointed at his Bumbling Fool, who looked just like the devil: red-skinned, yellow snakelike eyes, pointy ears, and a pair of horns. On his forehead was a stylish "M". "And this is Dabura. My magnificent plan is to suck as much _ki_ as possible from those pitiful Earthlings and awake my dad's creation, Majin Buu!"

"If I may ask, Babidi, what's wrong with Dabura? He looks pretty strong to me," remarked Mary Sue.

"He is, but he's kinda clumsy and dropped the _ki_ collector," explained the alien. He ignored his Bumbling Fool's protests that it had been just an accident and made a white object appear out of thin air. It was cracked in several places and had been poorly held together with adhesive tape and glue.

"Ooh, it looks like a lamp," commented Sue, examining the _ki_ collector.

From the end of the line, a tall wizard holding a snake staff groaned. "Please, don't talk about lamps..."

Gary Stu shrugged and went on. "Right, uh, participant number five." He almost burst into tears of relief as he noted that this wizard, at last, looked like a normal person. He was very pale and had dark hair and dark eyes. Nothing strange about that at all.

"My name is Jahrei, and this is my cousin, Hervok," said the mage, gesturing at the young man beside him. Hervok had wavy, dark hair and kept his eyes closed all the time. It took the hosts a while to notice the small crow on his shoulder. The wizard sighed in frustration. "I can't stand him! I am on a dangerous trip to the North and he is always on my way. And my wife is no good either. I need someone who is physically strong, trustworthy, and can obey orders without question." Jahrei glared at Hervok. "And above all, someone who doesn't talk to their stupid crows!"

"You hurt his feelings!" said Hervok. "Apologise! Now!"

"I wish you good luck," Gary told the mage sincerely before moving away from that duo. "The next one is...?"

"Magus," the wizard answered coldly. At least his appearance wasn't so strange, either; basically, the only thing that made him different was his long, bluish hair and his pointy ears.

Wait, Magus? The fangirls' renewed screams reminded Stu that Magus was the other popular character, along with Raistlin Majere.

Mary glanced around. "Where is your Bumbling Fool, Magus?" she asked.

Magus sighed heavily. "Actually, he's not exactly a Bumbling Fool. You see, he's just a cat," he said, gesturing at a purple kitten at his feet.

_God, even his _cat _is strange. I mean, purple? What the hell?_ Stu thought, frowning.

"It's not that I mind cats," continued Magus. "I even like them, but this one has been following me around all the time, and it distracts me! I don't want to kill him, but he keeps getting on my way, so my victims escape while I'm trying to shoo him away. Besides, it looks odd that I, a powerful wizard and evil lord, have a kitten for a pet, don't you think?"

"Aww, but it's so cute!" said Mary Sue, caressing the purple kitten.

Gary Stu cleared his throat, glaring at the suddenly hysterical audience. "Well, let's meet the last participant." Luckily, he, too, looked like a normal person. He seemed to be in his fifties or so, and he held a golden snake staff in his hand.

"My name is Jafar. I am a genie, and I plan to take the Sultan's place and rule Agrabah."

"Agrabah? Is that another world?" asked Gary curiously.

"What?" Jafar raised an eyebrow, then frowned. "No! It is a city."

"A city in the middle of the desert," added his Bumbling Fool, a short, chubby man.

Voldemort rolled his eyes and muttered, "Oh, boy," while his fellow wizards sniggered, snorted and smirked at Jafar. Even some Bumbling Fools seemed amused.

"Talk about petty schemes," commented Jahrei dryly.

Jafar glared daggers at him. "Well, I didn't hear _your_ plan. And if you must know, I have powers beyond your imagination! Phenomenal and cosmic powers!"

"Blah, blah, blah," mouthed his Bumbling Fool, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, right," said Babidi.

Jafar ignored the others and pointed at the man next to him. "Abis Mal. He's a complete fool. He won't stop asking me to grant him wishes, and yet, I need someone to carry my lamp."

Abis Mal pouted and crossed his arms. "But granting wishes is what genies are _supposed_ to do, isn't it?"

"You can grant wishes?" Caramon asked Jafar. "Wow! Can you magic up something for me to eat, then? I'm starving!"

Raistlin glared at his twin. "Caramon, shut up—" he then broke into a coughing fit. The audience got agitated again. Caramon tried to help him, but his brother flinched away.

Gary Stu frowned. The golden mage could barely breathe and sounded like he was dying. "Uh, is everything all right?"

"Fine..." gasped Raistlin.

"Okay, then." Mary Sue held up a green bag. "The names of your Bumbling Fools are all inside this bag. Each one of you must sort one. Luckily, you'll get your perfect new partner."

Each wizard picked a piece of parchment from the bag, Raistlin being the first one and Jafar, the last.

"Wormtail?" whispered Raistlin.

"Well, he can have good ideas when he tries really hard, and he _can_ do magic," remarked Voldemort. "Wasn't that what you wanted?"

Raistlin sighed, "I guess."

"Dabura," announced Daolon Wong, looking very pleased. "Yes, very fitting, indeed."

Voldemort read his piece of parchment. "I got... KITTEN?" His eyes widened.

"At least he won't be disgusted by you," Magus pointed out. "He is accustomed to being in the company of ugly monsters. No offence," he nonchalantly added when Voldemort glared at him.

"It can't be worse than Abis Mal, can it?" Babidi asked Voldemort almost comfortingly.

"I almost pity you," said Jafar dryly.

"I got Caramon," said Jahrei. "Not bad at all. He seems to qualify for all the requisites."

"That I can assure you, but, trust me, you will regret it deeply," rasped Raistlin. Jahrei looked unsurely at him, as though wondering if that had been a threat.

Magus sighed heavily as he read his piece of parchment. "I got Hervok."

"And I got Ratso. _Ratso_, of all people!" complained Jafar. "Even the kitten would have been better! I could have made it talk like I did Iago."

"Now _I_ almost pity you." Voldemort smirked.

"But I am sure he can at least carry your lamp," Daolon Wong told Jafar.

"Right," said Gary, "you got your new Bumbling Fools. We shall see if the change is for better. Thank you for coming and good luck—" he was interrupted when the audience finally lost control and managed to go past security to invade the stage.

"No! Don't go away just yet!" they were begging. "I want an autograph!"

"Blast!" hissed Voldemort, pulling a stick out of his sleeve. He then waved it at the insane girls and said, "_Crucio_! _Crucio_! _Crucio_!" Some of them fell to the floor, convulsing and shrieking in pain. When more girls came towards him, he shouted, "_Avada Kedavra_!"

"Raist!" Caramon called his brother, unsure if he should attack the girls. His twin ignored him and proceeded to cast fireball on them. Some wizards and their Bumbling Fools joined in the fight, while the rest ran away and went to hide from all this madness.

"Damn fangirls," muttered Gary Stu. "Why are they obsessed with those _freaks_, anyway?"

Meanwhile, Mary Sue threw herself against the nearest mage—who happened to be Raistlin—and hugged him. He didn't react, having been knocked unconscious in the process. Soon, the living fangirls had all buried all the remaining wizards, Caramon and the kitten. Sighing heavily, the host dejectedly headed back to his dressing room.

------

Gary Stu sat down on the couch beside his cousin, who was drooling over a photo she had in her hands.

"So, is there any mail for me yet?" he asked her hopefully. The blonde started and stared at him in confusion.

"Mail?"

"Yeah. You know, letters from admirers and such. We were in TV, after all."

"Oh..." She frowned. "There isn't any mail for you, but I just got some millions of letters that I am supposed to deliver to Raistlin, Magus, Voldem—"

"Okay, I got it!" he interrupted her. She smiled at him and tapped his shoulder.

"Don't worry. That was just the first episode. You will have another chance."

"Hm..." He glanced at the photo. "What do you have there?"

"Oh, this? When the fangirls were finally kicked out of the building, I could get some of the participants to pose for this picture. Look."

Curiously, the people in the photo were moving. Sue explained it was something common in Voldemort's world.

There were corpses and broken objects everywhere. Everyone's clothes were torn or stained in several parts. Hervok was running around after his scared crow. Abis Mal was lying on the floor, apparently unconscious, as was Raistlin, a trickle of blood coming from his mouth. A very distressed-looking Caramon was kneeling beside his brother and making tea, and Wormtail was standing next to them, waving his wand at Raistlin as though attempting to revive him with a spell. On the background, Magus was calmly caressing his cat and watching them. But what really caught Stu's attention was Voldemort casting the Cruciatus curse on Mary Sue, while Jafar, Babidi and Dabura were pointing and laughing at her. The rest was nowhere to be seen. Sue said they had gone look for the doctor of the building, except for Daolon Wong, who was the one who took the photo.

"Mary, is it just me, or was this weirdo torturing you when you took this picture?"

"Ah, it wasn't so bad. I think he just needs a hug," she said and sighed dreamily. "Too bad he was gone by the time I could move again."

He stared at her and pondered for a while.

"Do you think I'd get such obsessed fangirls if I became an Evil Dark Wizard like them?"

She nodded resolutely. "Yes, I do."

It was settled, then. He would become a Dark Wizard.

"Sue, would you like to be my Bumbling Fool?"

_SLAP!_

"Ouch."

_Step one: rejection, solitude and consequent angst... check!_

**To be continued...**


	2. The Quidditch Game

**Author's note:** Wow, I didn't expect to get so many reviews for this fic! They made me very happy and encouraged me to continue. Many thanks to **VampireNaomi**, **HiBob**, **Story Weaver1**, and **fetch-thranduilion** (I love your fics, btw!).

I was a bit unsure about this chapter, especially because I've never cared much about Quidditch, let alone attempted to write a match!

* * *

– **CHAPTER 2 –  
_The Quidditch Game_**

"Wait, let me see if I understand this," said Jahrei, taking a deep breath. "We cannot return to our worlds until we play – what was it called again? Squiddish?"

Sue rolled her eyes. "_Quidditch_. It's a very popular game among wizards," she explained.

"I have never heard of such thing," remarked Magus coldly.

"It is from my world," clarified Voldemort in a bored tone, his arms folded over his chest.

"But why must we play that game? What is the point?" asked Daolon Wong in annoyance. He had really been looking forward to seeing Dabura destroying the Chan clan once and for all, and now it seemed he would have to stay a little longer in this universe and play some stupid game.

"Well," began Sue innocently, "you looked so stressed out since the fangirls incident –" they all shuddered at the word 'fangirls', "– that I thought we could all have some fun together before splitting up."

"What kind of sport is it, exactly?" asked Babidi. "Is it more like tennis or football...?"

Voldemort gave him an odd look. "How do you know about those? I thought you were an alien?"

Babidi shrugged nonchalantly. "I learnt one or two things about the Earthlings and their customs during my search for strong people. Athletes make the best victims, you know. Lots of energy."

Sue smiled. "Answering your question, Babidi, Quidditch is more like football. There are two teams, each with seven players, and four balls. Um, Voldy, explain the rest, will you?"

The red-eyed wizard twitched in annoyance both at the nickname and at the fact she was ordering him around, but silently promised himself he would have his revenge later and settled on explaining all the rules of the game to his fellow wizards. If truth be told, talking about Quidditch was beginning to bring him good memories, and he found himself growing excited at the prospect of playing it again after so many years.

However, as he went on with his monologue, he noticed the others did not look so enthusiastic. If anything, they seemed to dislike the idea more and more. Raistlin and Jafar were sneering, Magus' look was getting colder and colder, Jahrei's right eye was twitching in disgust, and Daolon Wong was positively fuming.

When he was done, he tried not to look hopeful at the others, and then not to look annoyed when Daolon Wong snapped at Sue, "That is ridiculous! I am certainly _not_ going to mount a broom!"

"Yes, that would be most undignified," agreed Jahrei.

"Indeed, it does sound rather uncomfortable," commented Jafar.

"Oh, come on, it's not that bad!" protested Sue. "You should at least give it a try!" She turned to Voldemort, looking for support. "Right, Voldy? Tell them! Isn't Quidditch fun? Isn't it the best game in the world?"

He hesitated. "Well, I have to ad–"

"See?" she interrupted triumphantly. "All wizards love Quidditch! You can't be a real wizard otherwise, can't you see?"

"It is you who seems unable to see," whispered Raistlin, leaning heavily on his staff. "Most of us are not fit to play such an active game."

Sue eyed him up and down and then looked as critically at the others. Curiously, most of them were scrawny. Certainly not potential beaters, but at least they would be more agile and not fall from their brooms so easily.

"Nonsense, you'll do just fine!" she decided. "It's not like you have to run or anything; the brooms do all the work."

Daolon Wong growled. "Isn't there any other way to return to our worlds?" he insisted.

She looked thoughtful. "Hmm, you could always perform a play, I guess..."

Their eyes widened and they hurried to assure, "No, no, no!" "Quidditch is fine!" "Anything but a play!" Actually, Sue's first suggestion was that they performed a play based on some fairy tale. They were not _that_ desperate to return to their worlds yet.

Sue smiled in victory and turned back to Voldemort, who looked just as smug. "I'll make you the Captain of this team, then."

"Oh, no, I am not going to take orders from him!" objected Jafar. The others nodded and exclaimed in agreement.

"Not orders," said Sue smoothly. "Just _instructions_."

---

"That sounds like a very interesting game," commented Ratso after listening to Wormtail's explanation on the rules.

"Yes, all wizards love it," said Gary, nodding, glad at this group's quick acceptance of the idea. He risked a glance over where his dear cousin and the Dark Wizards were gathered and noted that they looked a lot more reluctant than the Bumbling Fools. He guessed it had something to do with minions being accustomed to do as they were told without question. Good, that made his job so much easier.

"I do believe this is a great idea. It is our perfect chance," said Dabura, smirking evilly. The others looked curiously at him.

"How so?" asked Wormtail.

"Simple. Although our masters think we are fools, we are healthier and stronger and faster than any of them combined, and this is probably the only way we can beat them at something!"

"Oh, I never thought of it like that," admitted Wormtail in interest.

"Yeah, that's a good idea! I'm in," said Ratso.

"So am I," seconded Caramon.

"There are only tree little problems," pointed out Abis Mal. "One, we don't have magical powers, so how can we fly on the brooms?"

"Oh, the brooms have been charmed so that even Muggles can use them," answered Stu helpfully.

"Mug what?" asked Caramon.

"Never mind. You were saying, Abis Mal?"

The Arabian gestured at the purple kitten that was currently sitting between Caramon and Ratso. "That cat can't play! We will have fewer players and be at a disadvantage!"

"No problem," replied Stu. "Wormtail can turn him into a human."

"Really?" asked Abis Mal, eyeing the black-robed Bumbling Fool suspiciously. For some reason, Wormtail never did strike him as a very capable wizard.

"Yes, don't worry. So, what's the third problem?"

This time, Abis Mal pointed at Hervok, "One of our players is blind! We're still going to be at a disadvantage."

They all thought about it for a moment, until Hervok suddenly said, "Well, I could try to follow the sounds. I have a good hearing, you know."

"That's it! We could just attach bells or something like that to the balls!" suggested Ratso.

"Hmm, I'm not sure that's allowed," said Gary, rubbing his chin. "It might get in the players' way –"

"Oh, I know!" said Wormtail, drawing his wand out of his pocket. "I'll charm the Quaffle!"

"I am sure _that_ is not allowed!" protested Stu.

"Calm down. What I am about to do shouldn't be a problem to anyone."

---

The game should have started at noon, but since most players could not keep their balance while on their brooms, Voldemort and Wormtail spent a few hours teaching the basics to their respective teams. The mages were very confident of their victory, given that one of the players from the adversary team was blind and another was a cute kitten – later on, they would deny having enunciated the word "cute" if questioned about it.

"I wish defeating our archenemies was just as easy," commented Daolon Wong gloomily. The others nodded.

The wizards were so confident that they were almost pleased, and the sole reason they weren't in such high spirits as they would like was the fact the audience was once more formed entirely by rabid fangirls. The team felt a bit uneasy at first, fearing that all those squealing girls would suddenly invade the pitch, but then realised that if such thing ever occurred, they could just fly up with their brooms and stay out of their reach.

And to think some people actually wondered why they loved magic.

As the captains led their teams onto the pitch, Mary Sue grabbed a fluffy, pink microphone and announced, "And now, I give you the Evil Dark Wizards Team! Beaters, Captain Voldemort and Magus; Chasers, Daolon Wong, Jahrei and Jafar; Keeper, Babidi; and Seeker, Raistlin!"

The wizards tried to ignore the deafening cheer of the fangirls.

"The Bumbling Fools Team!" continued Mary Sue. "Seeker and Captain, Wormtail; Chasers, Ratso, Abis Mal and Alfador; Beaters, Dabura and Caramon; Keeper, Hervok!"

"Who the hell is Alfador?" wondered Babidi.

Jafar looked over the other team. "I suppose it is that young man with purple hair."

Magus' frown deepened, noticing the young man in question was all on fours. "I do believe they have somehow transformed my cat into a human being."

"Oy!" someone called them. They turned to see Stu dressed in referee robes and holding the Quaffle in his hands. "The captains have got to shake hands before the game starts."

They all mounted on their brooms and flew up, with the exception of Alfador, who was licking the back of his hand ("See? I told you he was useless," muttered Abis Mal), and Voldemort, who approached the referee and Wormtail to shake the latter's hand. The smaller wizard offered him a trembling, silver hand and whimpered when his lord gave him a warning glare. Oblivious to the silent threat, Gary Stu said, "I want a fair game, you hear me?" If Wormtail weren't so horrified and Voldemort weren't too busy having fun by scaring his servant, they would have laughed at the referee's naivety. Meanwhile, Gary released the Bludgers and the Snitch. Then, he threw the Quaffle into the air as Mary Sue began to narrate the game. Her voice was somewhat muffled by the fangirls' cheers.

Both Captains reached up, but it was Voldemort who got to catch the Quaffle. He quickly passed it to Daolong Wong, who rushed forward to escape from Ratso and Abis Mal. Alfador, for his part, began to playfully paw at his broom.

"Beaters! Use the Bludgers!" instructed Wormtail. Dabura immediately went after Wong to try hitting him with the Bludger, but Caramon stared at them with a blank expression. He had probably forgotten he was one of the so-called Beaters, or what a Bludger was.

Wong dodged Dabura's Bludger and passed the Quaffle to Jafar, who caught it easily and threw it with as much force as he could towards the goalposts. There was a strident "AHHHHHHHHHHH!" and Hervok was so taken aback by it that he didn't even move to catch the Quaffle before it went into the goal.

"Score! Ten points to the Wizards!" shouted Sue excitedly. The wizards smirked. The fangirls cheered.

"Hervok!" yelled a fuming Wormtail. "What part of 'your function as the Keeper is to prevent the Quaffle from going into the goal behind you' did you not understand!"

"Sorry, I was distracted by this strange noise –" said the cleric.

"That was the charmed Quaffle, you imbecile!"

Meanwhile, Raistlin was barely paying attention to his surroundings, his hourglass eyes idly searching for the Golden Snitch. The good thing about this position as the Seeker was that he didn't really have to move around too much until he found the small, winged ball. He didn't really care which team would win this foolish game, he only wanted to get it over with as soon as possible and go back to Krynn so that he could put his plan into practice.

He sighed and then heard someone getting closer to him, shrieking. For a moment, he almost panicked, thinking it was some fangirl who had somehow managed to get a broom and fly after him. However, when he looked back, all he saw was a red flash coming towards him. He ducked when it nearly hit him in the face and stared at the now falling Quaffle. "That hurt, damn it!" yelled a voice coming from its direction, though Raistlin saw no one else near it.

"Raist!" called an all-too-familiar voice.

The mage turned to glare at his twin brother. What was he doing, coming to talk to an adversary? Had he been sent to distract Raistlin so that the other team could have the chance to catch the Snitch?

"Raist, what do I have to with this?" he asked, holding up a stick and a Bludger.

Raistlin was about to point out that Caramon wasn't supposed to ask help from an opponent, but then realised that even if he told Caramon what the Beater should do, his twin would never try to hit him with the Bludger. If anything, he would protect Raistlin from the other Beater. Besides, Raistlin wasn't worried about who would win the game anyway, so it was all right to help the other team. Anything to finish this game some time this century!

---

After the Quaffle almost hit Raistlin, Jafar hurried to catch it. Smiling to himself as he succeeded, he prepared to pass it to Daolon Wong, when suddenly a shrill voice spoke right next to him. "Ouch! Hey, not so tightly!" The sorcerer looked around to see who it was, but only saw Dabura and Ratso at a good distance, coming to get the Quaffle from him. "Hello! I'm talking to you, man!" Jafar's eyes widened as he stared in bewilderment at the red object in his hand.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, be careful! You're squashing me!" complained the Quaffle. Jafar recoiled and dropped the Quaffle. He immediately regretted it, not only because it made an easy catch for Ratso, but also because the ball began screaming. "HEEEELP! I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!"

Ratso did not look surprised at all to be thanked by a talking Quaffle for saving its life and hurried with it towards the goal. Voldemort and Magus nodded at each other and aimed the Bludgers at him. Noticing this, the red-eyed Chaser passed the Quaffle to Abis Mal before dodging the Bludgers.

"Damn, he's fast!" hissed Voldemort.

Unfortunately for the Bumbling Fools, Abis Mal had been just watching the match as if he were one of the fans – only without the screaming – and was caught by surprise when the Quaffle hit him in the head. He recovered on time to reflexively catch it and stared at it for a moment before remembering he was indeed one of the players and realising he was now a target. Upon seeing a very angry Voldemort and Magus coming with dangerous-looking Bludgers to him, he yelped and threw the Quaffle away as if it had burnt his hands.

He had not been the only one aloof in the game. The abandoned Quaffle ended up with Jahrei, who also was caught by surprise and almost panicked. He fretfully looked around and threw it to the first innocent-looking player he spotted – Alfador. The purple-haired man jumped on it as though he were playing with some toy for cats.

"You idiot!" Voldemort yelled at the youngest mage, looking like he really needed to hit something with the Bludger soon. "He is from the other team!"

"So what? He doesn't even know it!" argued Jahrei defensively. "Can't we have a timeout now? I grow tired of this game."

"You haven't even _done_ anything!"

While Voldemort and Jahrei bickered, Magus easily took the Quaffle away from Alfador (who looked very disappointed) and passed it to Wong's awaiting hands. The old Dark Chi Wizard flew away from Ratso and dodged Dabura's Bludger before sending the red ball into the goal.

"I hate this paaaaaaaaart!" screamed the Quaffle. This time, Hervok followed the voice and caught it.

"Yes! I got it!" commemorated the Keeper, only to be hit by a high-speeded Bludger thrown by Voldemort. The snake-faced wizard looked very pleased with himself.

"Ooh, that gotta hurt!" commented Mary Sue.

A whistle. "Foul!" shouted the referee.

"Shut up!" snapped Voldemort, drawing his wand to stun Gary.

"Hey, I really don't think you should cast any spells on the referee!" protested Mary. No one paid her any attention, though.

---

"Caramon!" called a livid Wormtail. The Majere brothers looked up to see him approaching. "What do you think you are doing, fraternising with the enemy?"

"He's not my enemy, he's my tw–" Caramon began to protest, but Wormtail cut him off angrily.

"Dabura is doing all the job by himself! Get down there and help him!"

The warrior looked down at the game and noticed Jafar and Ratso struggling to see who would have the shrieking Quaffle. He did manage to hit Jafar, who fell from his broom and didn't get up after painfully reaching the ground, but Wong quickly got in Ratso's way and caught to Quaffle.

"Pass it to Jahrei!" shouted Voldemort. Jahrei's eyes widened.

"What? Not to me! No! No!" he said frantically, shaking his head. Daolon Wong ignored his pleas and passed him the Quaffle. When seeing Dabura and Caramon readying their Bludgers menacingly, Jahrei rushed away from them. By chance, that led him to the goalpost. The fact that the other team's Keeper was unconscious encouraged him to finally play his part in the game.

"Ten points to the Wizards!" announced Sue. The fangirls were now beginning to really scare everyone.

Wormatil clucked his tongue. It wouldn't do to have a comatose Keeper. He quickly went to Hervok's side, drew his wand, pointed it at him, and uttered, "_Ennervate_!"

Hervok stirred and opened his pupil-less eyes. "Huh? What happened?" he mumbled, then made a face and held his aching head.

"Wake up and return to your position!" ordered Wormtail. Then, he heard a whispery voice behind him chanting, "_Ast tasarak sinuralan krynawi_." He looked back just in time to see Raistlin blowing some kind of powder on him, and then all went black.

---

"Oh, so you want to play dirty, do you?" muttered Dabura upon seeing Raistlin putting Wormtail to sleep with a spell. He gathered a great amount of his _ki_ and tossed a powerful Bludger towards the black-robed mage. However, in order to protect his twin brother, Caramon rushed to fly before the Bludger and used his stick to send it back. The impact was such that the stick broke and Caramon almost immediately fell from his broom. The Quaffle was now a shrieking, glowing red flash crossing the pitch, until it was violently stopped by the first obstacle; the Keeper Babidi. The small alien fell lifelessly to the ground, giving everyone a _déjà vu_ feeling.

Abis Mal took his chance; now that the adversary team's Keeper was out cold and everyone else was momentarily too stunned, he decided to make the next move. However, as soon as he touched the Quaffle, which had mysteriously said not a word for a while now, he yelped and dropped it, rapidly waving his reddened hands. "Hot, hot, hot," he hissed in pain.

Dabura calmly took the Quaffle, unaffected by his own energy in it, and got his team ten points. While all the Bumbling Fools commemorated, Jahrei used a levitation spell to pass the burning Quaffle to Voldemort, who did the same and passed it to Daolong Wong, and so on. It was a rather slow process, but since the other team was too distracted – especially when their Keeper, Hervok, was still trying to revive their Captain Wormtail –, they had no problems.

"Thirty-ten to the Wizards!" announced Mary Sue.

By then, the Quaffle had cooled down enough to be touched and Wormtail was finally, though barely, awake. After reviving Babidi, Voldemort suddenly seemed to see something in the air and flew to Raistlin's side. "I see the Golden Snitch," he whispered. The mage, who looked bored to death, raised a white eyebrow.

"Good for you. I, however, do not –"

"There! Are you blind? The Golden Snitch is right there!" shouted the white-skinned wizard in exasperation, pointing up.

"Very well, Voldemort. Now everyone knows exactly where the Snitch is, including the other team's Seeker," sneered the other.

"Then go and catch it at once! I will take care of the enemy." As he finished his sentence, Voldemort turned around, smirked malevolently, and drew his wand to point it at Wormtail and shout, "_Crucio_!" Caught unawares, the Death Eater collapsed, screaming in pain.

"You!" Dabura gestured at the three Chasers of his team. "Go after the Golden Snitch! Now!"

"But we are Chasers!" objected Caramon.

"Yeah! Isn't that the Seeker's job?" asked Ratso.

"Even if we do get the Snitch, the referee may not consider –"

"Neither the referee nor our Seeker are in shape to take part in the game now," argued Dabura. "Just go! I'll make sure the wizards don't try to stop you!"

Then, a cheerful voice behind him said, "Hey, would you like some biscuits?" He turned around and saw Hervok offering him a plate of some brown... things. "You must be hungry after all these exercises."

"The game is not over yet!" yelled Dabura, nearly knocking the plate over from the cleric's hands. "And you are supposed to be keeping the –"

"Forty-ten to the Wizards!"

Dabura groaned in frustration and thought he might as well try a biscuit. _Where and when did he get those, anyway? _He had to admit, though, that it tasted rather good. Suddenly, he had an idea. He grinned and leaned forward and whispered something in Hervok's ear.

---

Voldemort cursed aloud. Raistlin had been almost catching the Golden Snitch; just a few millimetres and his fingers would have reached it. However, that damn weakling had chosen just that moment to start hacking up his lungs, and now Ratso and Abis Mal were close to catching the Snitch.

"Listen," he said to Magus and whoever was near enough to hear him. "We cannot let them defeat us! We are the lords and they are the minions for a reason! It would be utterly humiliating if they won this game!"

"I agree," said Magus solemnly. Voldemort prepared his wand to curse the two remaining Chasers from the other team, but Magus found himself distracted when Hervok calmly flew to him and offered him a plate of biscuits, a friendly expression on his face.

"You are my new lord, are you not?" he asked politely. "Would you like some biscuits? They are really delicious, you know."

"Hmm," Magus frowned suspiciously. He was a bit hungry and the biscuits smelt good, but could he really trust his new minion now?

Jahrei, who had been about to fly past them, stopped and quickly took in the situation. "Oh, don't worry! Hervok is an oblivious, inoffensive dunderhead," he assured.

"What do you mean?" asked Hervok, looking at a loss, but Jahrei had already gone away. Magus inwardly shrugged and decided to have a biscuit. Just one. However, it was so tasty and he surprisingly found himself so hungry that he could not help but have another. And another. And another. Hervok frowned uncertainly, but didn't say or do anything to stop him.

---

Gary Stu woke up surrounded by horrible, loud noises and a killer headache. He took a look around and gasped. The game was a whole mess! Voldemort and Dabura were in a competition to see who would fully incapacitate the each other's team first; the Dark Lord threw curses and hexes and Dabura used his strength and tried to spit on his enemies to petrify them. Ratso and Abis Mal had boils all over their bodies, and Daolon Wong had been knocked out. Now Dabura's main target was Jafar. Down on the pitch, Caramon was hurriedly making tea to his coughing brother, watched by Jahrei, who had decided to take a break without bothering to consult anyone. Hervok was wandering around, humming to himself. Magus looked ill and was dizzyingly swaying on his broom. Alfador was comfortably curled on the ground, taking a nap.

"Has everyone gone mad?" he wondered.

"When I hit that scrawny snake and break all his bones, our Seeker will be free to catch the Snitch and we will be victorious!" stated Dabura. He didn't notice that Wormtail was almost fully recovered from Voldemort's attack and ready to return to the game.

"Hah! Do you think you can hurt me that easily?" Jafar smirked and waved his hand to imprison the red-skinned warrior in a relatively small globe.

"Really, that's getting old," mumbled Abis Mal, earning himself a death glare from Jafar. Then, the sorcerer's eyes became unfocused and he repeated the spell to imprison Voldemort.

"What the –" hissed the Dark Lord. Then, he noticed Wormtail holding his wand, a triumphant smirk on his normally meek face. "The Imperius curse! No!" He tried to reach his own wand to break free, but could not move at all in such a tiny space.

"Raist," said Caramon to his brother. "Shouldn't we just get out of here? Let's go inside, where you can rest."

"No, wait, my brother," whispered his twin, holding up a hand and watching the "game" in interest. "I am curious to see who is going to win."

Jahrei held his hands up to his chest's level and began chanting. Ratso noticed this and shouted a warning to Wormtail, who turned to cast the Cruciatus curse on the young mage. Jafar blinked and watched in puzzlement as Jahrei's and Wormtail's spells hit each other.

"Oy!" someone shouted. Those who were still conscious and able to move turned to see Hervok holding up something that he had in his hand. "Can someone tell me what kind of bird this is?"

Everyone's eyes widened as they saw the golden wings moving frenetically between his fingers.

"The Golden Snitch!" shrieked Voldemort.

"The Bumbling Fools win!" announced Sue, amazed.

For once, the fangirls, shocked, were in complete silence. They weren't sure if they should cheer or feel sorry for the poor wizards. They settled on invading the pitch and hurrying to comfort them. Physically. Some Bumbling Fools looked jealous, but most were so happy about their victory that they didn't even notice.

"Yeah! This will show them not to mess with their henchmen!" said Ratso.

Wormtail caught Voldemort's evil glare and gulped. Somehow, he didn't think his life would get any easier from then on.

"Come on! Let's commemorate!" proposed Dabura.

---

Some time later, the atmosphere in the wizards' room was completely different, much angrier and gloomier than that in the Fools' room. Then again, evil wizards were supposed to be angry and gloomy, weren't they?

"This was downright humiliating!" complained Voldemort. "How could we lose to those dim-witted, snivelling idiots?" He angrily turned to Raistlin. "This is all your fault!" he accused. "If you had caught the Snitch when you had the chance –"

Before Raistlin could retort, Magus weakly staggered back into the room, still looking ill. Caramon came following him, ready to catch him should he lose his balance. He was the only Bumbling Fool who had left his fellows' party and joined the wizards in order to take care of his twin brother, despite the latter's protests. The other wizards strongly suspected he was a spy, but didn't bother to kick him out, as the warrior was the only one patient enough to also take care of Magus. The pointed-eared wizard had been feeling sick ever since he'd eaten Hervok's _poisoned_ biscuits and spent the past hour throwing up.

"When I return... to my world..." he moaned irately, his eyes feverish, "I'll turn him into a cockroach... and crush him..."

"That will teach you never to take any food or drink from an enemy," said Jafar.

At that moment, the door burst open and Sue happily hopped in, carrying a tray with several cups. "I'm back! And I brought tea for my poor babies!"

Taking Jafar's advice, none of them accepted it. Raistlin calmly continued drinking his own, foul-smelling tea. Voldemort looked like he would very much like to kill them both, but Daolon Wong held him back, reminding him that Sue was the only one who knew how to open the portals to their respective worlds.

"Come now, we don't have to worry so much about the results of this game," Babidi told Voldemort.

"Indeed. We could punish them," agreed Daolon Wong.

"Or erase their memories?" suggested Caramon hopefully, attracting everyone's glares. He looked down. He was just trying to help his new friends; having their memories erased seemed much less painful than being punished.

"How did Hervok catch the Golden Snitch, though?" wondered Jahrei. "A blind, brainless man, wandering aimlessly around the pitch, carrying an empty tray on his hands..."

"Perhaps we have underestimated the Fools?" suggested Babidi.

They seemed to consider it for a moment, but then quickly dismissed it, "Naaah!" Caramon looked vaguely offended. "Aha! That's it!" exclaimed Jahrei. "They've obviously cheated. That's the only way they could ever beat us."

"Oh, you're right," murmured Jafar in wonder. "How come we didn't think of that before?"

"So, that means we are the real winners, and they the losers," concluded Daolong Wong. They exchanged smirks.

"That's wonderful!" said Sue, beaming. "So, what have we all learnt from this experience?"

"Never take any food or drink from an enemy, for they are most likely poisoned," drawled Magus painfully.

"No one can ever overcome Dark, Evil Wizards," stated Voldemort proudly.

"Brooms are most uncomfortable to sit on for long periods of time," muttered Jahrei.

"Quidditch is completely pointless," snarled Raistlin.

"Kittens-turned-humans don't make good players," offered Babidi.

"Fangirls are scary," said Jafar, remembering the console those girls had tried to give him at the end of the game.

"Which leads me to the conclusion that fangirls would make great minions of doom, once you find a way to control them," mused Daolon Wong.

They seemed to seriously think about that.

"Now that's a thought," conceded Voldemort.

Meanwhile, Gary Stu was adding another item to his "Steps to Become a Dark Evil Wizard" list. _Step two, brooding, evil thoughts, urge to torture and kill. Hmm, I'll have to work on this one... Half-check!_

**To be continued...**


End file.
